8 Steps to be Intentional with Your Kids in a Pornography-Saturated Culture.

As a Student Ministries Pastor and someone who has had the privilege of working with students over the past 9 years, I have had dozens upon dozens of conversations with parents and students on the topic of pornography. As a parent, you are not alone in your concern. The reality is because of technological advances such as smartphones, tablets, and a wide gamut of other internet capable devices, pornography is now more easily accessible than ever before. We live in a pornography-saturated culture. The truth is pornography is destructive and has the ability to destroy the lives of its’ users. Back in March of 2016, Governor Gary Herbert of Utah signed a resolution stating that pornography is a, “public health hazard,” that harms both individuals and society. Watching pornography is an escalating behavior. It increases the risk for developing sexual compulsions and addictive behavior. Science shows that it has the power to rewire and physically change the brain. People are truly starting to see how destructive pornography is and with that said, the following statistics concern me.

It’s easy to think, “this won’t happen to my kid.” But the statistics above tell a different story. At times it can feel overwhelming and even hopeless as we talk about this epidemic. How can something so harmful be so accessible? The good news is that there is hope. I have seen students who have struggled with pornography addiction overcome those addictions. I have also seen students who were able to steer clear of addiction all together. The one thing these stories have in common are parents and students who were willing to be intentional about the issue.

In this article, I want to give you 8 steps to be intentional with your kids in a pornography saturated culture.

The first tip I give parents and leaders in dealing with this issue is to be unshockable. Being unshockable is the art of screaming on the inside and being able to smile on the outside. No, you don’t actually have to smile when you find out about your child’s pornography usage. The point is, often times our natural response to issues such as these is the wrong response. It’s easy to overreact. When we overreact, we lose trust with our students. If you feel too emotionally charged in the moment, it’s ok to say a few brief words and give yourself time to think. Stay cool, calm and collected. This shows your student they can trust you.

When it comes to pornography, chances are your student is already feeling ashamed over their behavior. As parents, the last thing we want to do is add to that shame. It’s important to let them know that their desire to see these types of images is a natural one, but a misplaced one. God created us to be sexually attracted to the human body. It’s normal for them to like what they have seen. With that said, God created sex for the context of marriage and anything outside of that relationship is a distortion of that intended design. (We will talk more about this in step 4.)

Don’t be afraid to start the conversation. In one recent study, 75% of students said that their parents had never discussed internet pornography with them. You as a parent, have the greatest amount of influence in your child’s life. Don’t allow your student to go through this struggle alone. And don’t wait until your student is already knee deep in the struggle. Be willing to start the conversation before it’s needed. Help shape their view of sex before pornography and culture does. According to a study done in 2007, which surveyed 813 students from six U.S. schools: 66.5% of young men and 48.7% of young women said viewing pornographic materials is an acceptable way to express one’s sexuality. Help your student to see that this just isn’t true. Help your student to make a pre-decision that they will not view pornography. How do you do this? Share the why!

You are not just saying no, you are saying yes to something better. We want our students to say yes to a life full of intimacy. The truth is that pornography is one of the top killers of intimacy. Let your student know that you want them to experience the best marriage possible in the future. Just a few facts: Porn is harmful and addictive. It’s like a drug; the more you use it, the more you want it. Not only that, but porn use can actually physically change and rewire the brain. Science shows that porn causes the brain to release an excess amount of dopamine. In time, the porn user can’t feel the affect of dopamine like they did before their addiction. Because of this, many porn users go searching for more hardcore porn to get the same affect the previous porn offered at the beginning of their addiction. For the same reason, their future spouse might not be enough to fully satisfy this extreme desire. Don’t just say no, share the why.

Encourage your student to takes steps towards accountability. Point them towards a trusted adult or mentor that will be willing to speak truth into their lives. I think it’s always best to encourage your student to start the conversation with their potential mentor themselves. This allows them to take responsibility for their addiction as well as teach them how to have hard conversations. Covenant Eyes is a great resource for accountability. Covenant eyes, “monitors the websites visited, the search terms used, and the YouTube videos watched, and lists them in an easy-to-read Report that is designed to start a conversation about healthy online habits.” Covenant eyes also offers a resource for internet filtering. This will help block inappropriate content and websites from your students devices.

As a parent, help your student by limiting their unaccountable times and spaces. One good rule of thumb is, no internet-capable devices allowed in the bedroom. Does it have access to the internet? You might have to do a little research to answer this question, but this can make a big difference. According to one study, 81% students look at porn online at home. You can help your student by not allowing them to be surrounded by constant temptations. Set up a charging station in the family room where they leave their phone at night. It’s even better if you are willing to use the station yourself. Your student might say “but my cell phone is my alarm.” I suggest you go to the store and buy them a cheap alarm clock. It’s worth it.

This is one of the most important skills you can teach your student. The reality is that avoidance isn’t enough. Chances are, if your student hasn’t already, they will eventually stumble across pornography.

In 2001, a study by the Kaiser Family Foundation discovered among all online students ages 15-17: 70% say they had accidentally stumbled across pornography online. The sad truth is that it is pretty much impossible to completely avoid inappropriate content online. If your student uses social media it highly increase this risk. Teach your student that when they come across inappropriate content to scroll past it. Tell them to leave their device or the room if they have to. We want to prepare them to have the right response when they come across inappropriate content. Our goal is to raise healthy adults. Let’s give them the tools they need. Teach them to scroll past.

The final step is to be patient with the process. It takes time. This is not a one and done conversation. Keep the conversation going. If your student is willing to be vulnerable with you or a trusted leader about their addiction, half the battle is already won. Stay consistent and be ready to show grace.

I hope you found these steps hopeful and helpful. I would love to hear your thoughts and any other great steps you have taken. Comment below. As always, thanks for reading!