Whether you consider yourself a stoic, emotionless robot, a highly-sensitive, chronic crier or somewhere in between, the reality is all of us have been wounded by the words and comments of others at some point in our lives. Sometimes, these individuals are not necessarily people we love to be around in the first place, but rather individuals we have to be around out of necessity. For example, certain co-workers, classmates and even family members. Other times, these hurtful comments come from the people we love and care about the most. These wounds can be intentional or unintentional. Regardless of who and where the words come from, all of us know that words can cause wounds.
I was recently taken back by a hurtful comment from an individual that I do life with. This comment was a passive-aggressive remark that attacked my competency and my ability to lead others well. These are two things that are important to me which is why the comment cut so deep. My initial thought after feeling the hurt of the comment was of great maturity, it went something along the lines of, “You’re dumb and have no idea what your talking about.” Even so, as I went throughout my day, the words and the anger that they brought wouldn’t leave. As the day went on, I became increasingly more agitated and angry with this person who had made the comment.
Has something like this ever happened to you?
As I was able to pause and have a moment of introspection, I realized my heart was not in a good place. The question I soon found myself wrestling with was this,
“How do I deal with these wounds in an emotionally mature, life-giving way?” I found the answer to this question in 8 simple steps. Simple, but not easy.
Dealing with hurtful words in a emotionally mature, life-giving way.
1. Recognize the hurt.
The first step in dealing with a hurtful comment is to recognize the hurt. Don’t deny it! Hurt often shows itself as anger. In many cases, when we get angry at something it’s because something has caused us pain. When you feel the sting of a hurtful comment, take a moment to ask yourself, “Why does this comment bother me so badly?”
2. Don’t allow the hurtful comment to be the defining truth about the reality of the situation.
Just because someone makes a statement, does not make the statement true. Hurtful comments in many cases can strike at our own insecurities. So, don’t allow hurt and insecurities to get in the way of what is true. Others’ words don’t define what is true about you or reality. This is important, especially when someone has attacked your character or might not have the right motives. With all of this said, this doesn’t necessarily mean there is not truth in their comment. Be willing to be introspective, but don’t take the comment at face value.
3. Do your best to step outside the hurt and emotions to see what is true about the situation.
When you have been hurt, it’s easy to get caught up in a cloud of emotions. Sometimes we need to try and take ourselves out of the cloud and get a bird’s-eye view of the situation. It’s helpful to step back and say, “I know what I am feeling, but what is actually true and why do I believe it’s true?”
4. Pray for clarity and peace.
As a follower of Jesus, I believe that God has the ability to give clarity and peace in any and every situation. For me, this is where the healing process begins.
5. Deal with the hurt.
Once you recognize the hurt and you have done your best to step outside of your emotions, it’s time to be a mature adult and deal with it. But first, a couple of don’ts. Don’t hold onto your anger. Don’t settle for bitterness and passive-aggressive retaliation. Don’t gossip. These tactics are always more hurtful than helpful. If you’re follower of Jesus, give the hurt to God. It’s ok to say, “Lord, I’m angry. I am having a hard time letting go of this anger, please heal this wound. I don’t want to forgive, but help me to forgive as you have forgiven me.” Dealing with hurt in a healthy way can be hard, but it’s worth it.
6. Go as far as you can go in the relationship.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” -Romans 12:18
In this verse, the Apostle Paul encourages us to go as far as we can go to create peace in our relationships. This means you have to take steps towards humility, empathy and forgiveness. Empathy is putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. You can do this by not just focusing on their hurtful words, but by asking yourself, “What emotions would cause them to say something so hurtful?” It’s always helpful to remember, “hurt people hurt people.” Practice forgiveness. It’s easy to take offense when we have been wounded, but the reality is we have all wounded others with our own words. If you have placed your trust in Jesus, you have all the motivation and inspiration you need to go as far as you can go in the relationship. Take a moment to reflect on the fact that Christ went as far as He could go to create peace in His relationship with you.
7. Know where the line is.
Be willing to set up healthy boundaries. If the person is a repeat offender, don’t continue to allow them to have the same influence in your life. Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries. We can still love people while at the same time protecting our hearts from their hurtful words.
8. Let them know they hurt you.
In some cases, it is helpful to let the person know that their words hurt you and why they hurt you. In many cases, a hurtful comment can be unintentional. A simple conversation can help clear up the misunderstanding. If the comment was intentional, it can be helpful to let them know you won’t tolerate being communicated to in that way.
How might your life and relationships look different if you were able to practice these 8 steps? I would love to hear your thoughts. Comment below. Until next time, thanks for reading.
Speaking Your Lingo 
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